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In my last post, I predicted the plot of Miner's Slaughter, a D-grade horror flick(and dear God, I originally typed "Flack" there) on Sci-Fi. How did my predictions hold up?
-One group of Pot/crack/E-addled teenagers or college students who will stumble upon the miner's cave and decide to use it for a groovy party pad/fuck nest. They will blithely ignore the rotting mineshafts, filth, carcinogens, and spiders the size of VW Jettas, as well as the terrifying local legend of the vengeful miner.
Check. Six friends drive to the abandoned mining town to search for a legendary lost treasure. As soon as they get to their destination, the pair off to do the nasty. One group takes the jail, while the other takes the hayloft. The third couple never bonks, as the annoying shrew demands he find the watch her mother gave him as a gift before he gets to taste the manna. While he's looking, a local yokel modeled on Daisy Duke sashays out of nowhere with his watch. Subsequent flirting between yokel and the ML, who is named Axel, drives off the shrew, who hightails it out of town in a huff. This is no great loss, as Shrew was a Herculean pain in the ass who pissed and moaned about the "dirty, filthy woods" the entire time.
She doesn't get very far. Just out of town, the eponymous Miner leaps in front of her car, complete with sound effects from the old Scooby-Doo, Where Are you? episode, Miner 49er. It should be noted that Miner resembles a Pirates of the Carribean extra on the cheap. One swing of the remarkably shiny pickaxe later, and the Shrew is silenced forever. Thank God.
To be fair, the group couldn't really ignore the local legend because they weren't told it until the last twenty minutes of the movie, but maybe they should have gotten a clue when, after learning of their intentions to grab the Miner's gold, Daisy Duke Light screams, "You're all gonna die!" in a hilarious redneck twang and heads for the hills. But they didn't, and I was left wondering when Arizona joined the Deep South.
-One local legend, which will recount the horrible tragedy of the miner who was left to die by cowardly colleagues. Miner will inevitably be either a complete saint or an utter blackguard. Whichever he was, he is righteously pissed now, and passes his eternity hacking up unwary teenagers who use his cave as a loveshack(loveshack, baby). Most will scoff at the legend and traipse off to screw. Shortly after the first Trojan wrapper hits the dirt, the killing will start.
Check. According to the legend, Jeremiah Stone was a claim-jumping prospector who liked to deflower young girls. One night in 1851, a posse goes after Stone to rescue his latest victim, the preacher's daughter. They corner him in the desert, and after stupefying scads of blithering-meant to showcase Stone's inveterate badness, I suppose-Stone kills the preacher's daughter and prompts the posse to open fire. After 9,000 rounds, Stone goes down, but not for the count. He sold his soul to the devil, you see, and the bullets, they do nothing. After cursing all those who seek his gold, Stone leaps into an open mineshaft.
-One whiny girl who will believe the legend. She will whine and quail and start at every sound until the other teens are tempted to bash out her brains, fill her mouth with lye, and bury her in the mine. She will likely be one of two survivors, the other being Hunky Male Lead With No Outdoor Skills and Socks in His Jeans.
I was actually mistaken here. There was a whiny female, but she was the first to go. And everyone believed the legend when told, but this was probably because it had been chasing them around the desert hardpan all night.
As for the hunky male lead, there wasn't one. There was a Fugly Male Lead, and he died a noble, ultimately futile death pushing the blazing Miner into a metric assload of dynamite. The sole survivors were Emo Boy and his pixie-haired, vaguely butch wife. Emo Boy spent a lot of time waxing rhapsodic about how much he loved Butch, especially during sex. Whee! But they don't really survive, because just when you think it's safe, Miner leaps from the wreckage of the mine. I guess he didn't want to miss a spot.
-One ludicrous climactic scene, in which Hunky Male Lead, who has heretofore demonstrated the cognitive ability of oatmeal and the survival skills of a Republican Congressman, engages in a Conan-esque pickaxe battle with the miner. Despite having years of more experience, the miner will be bested and beheaded by HML. Climactic scene will also include dynamite and a harrowing ride in a coal car with the miner in pursuit and the tracks damaged ahead.
As I said previously, no HML. There was neither a pickaxe battle nor a mine car, but there was dynamite, not to mention a hilarious scene in which the Miner gets his axe stuck in a barrel, and the intrepid heroes, having established that only fire will kill him, take turns whacking him in the back with a wooden plank while he groans and growls theatrically. Yeah, we're dealing with Mensas.
It was awful, but hilariously so, and I'm glad I caught it.
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lyric_ficathon fic Part II stands at, 2,489 words.
-One group of Pot/crack/E-addled teenagers or college students who will stumble upon the miner's cave and decide to use it for a groovy party pad/fuck nest. They will blithely ignore the rotting mineshafts, filth, carcinogens, and spiders the size of VW Jettas, as well as the terrifying local legend of the vengeful miner.
Check. Six friends drive to the abandoned mining town to search for a legendary lost treasure. As soon as they get to their destination, the pair off to do the nasty. One group takes the jail, while the other takes the hayloft. The third couple never bonks, as the annoying shrew demands he find the watch her mother gave him as a gift before he gets to taste the manna. While he's looking, a local yokel modeled on Daisy Duke sashays out of nowhere with his watch. Subsequent flirting between yokel and the ML, who is named Axel, drives off the shrew, who hightails it out of town in a huff. This is no great loss, as Shrew was a Herculean pain in the ass who pissed and moaned about the "dirty, filthy woods" the entire time.
She doesn't get very far. Just out of town, the eponymous Miner leaps in front of her car, complete with sound effects from the old Scooby-Doo, Where Are you? episode, Miner 49er. It should be noted that Miner resembles a Pirates of the Carribean extra on the cheap. One swing of the remarkably shiny pickaxe later, and the Shrew is silenced forever. Thank God.
To be fair, the group couldn't really ignore the local legend because they weren't told it until the last twenty minutes of the movie, but maybe they should have gotten a clue when, after learning of their intentions to grab the Miner's gold, Daisy Duke Light screams, "You're all gonna die!" in a hilarious redneck twang and heads for the hills. But they didn't, and I was left wondering when Arizona joined the Deep South.
-One local legend, which will recount the horrible tragedy of the miner who was left to die by cowardly colleagues. Miner will inevitably be either a complete saint or an utter blackguard. Whichever he was, he is righteously pissed now, and passes his eternity hacking up unwary teenagers who use his cave as a loveshack(loveshack, baby). Most will scoff at the legend and traipse off to screw. Shortly after the first Trojan wrapper hits the dirt, the killing will start.
Check. According to the legend, Jeremiah Stone was a claim-jumping prospector who liked to deflower young girls. One night in 1851, a posse goes after Stone to rescue his latest victim, the preacher's daughter. They corner him in the desert, and after stupefying scads of blithering-meant to showcase Stone's inveterate badness, I suppose-Stone kills the preacher's daughter and prompts the posse to open fire. After 9,000 rounds, Stone goes down, but not for the count. He sold his soul to the devil, you see, and the bullets, they do nothing. After cursing all those who seek his gold, Stone leaps into an open mineshaft.
-One whiny girl who will believe the legend. She will whine and quail and start at every sound until the other teens are tempted to bash out her brains, fill her mouth with lye, and bury her in the mine. She will likely be one of two survivors, the other being Hunky Male Lead With No Outdoor Skills and Socks in His Jeans.
I was actually mistaken here. There was a whiny female, but she was the first to go. And everyone believed the legend when told, but this was probably because it had been chasing them around the desert hardpan all night.
As for the hunky male lead, there wasn't one. There was a Fugly Male Lead, and he died a noble, ultimately futile death pushing the blazing Miner into a metric assload of dynamite. The sole survivors were Emo Boy and his pixie-haired, vaguely butch wife. Emo Boy spent a lot of time waxing rhapsodic about how much he loved Butch, especially during sex. Whee! But they don't really survive, because just when you think it's safe, Miner leaps from the wreckage of the mine. I guess he didn't want to miss a spot.
-One ludicrous climactic scene, in which Hunky Male Lead, who has heretofore demonstrated the cognitive ability of oatmeal and the survival skills of a Republican Congressman, engages in a Conan-esque pickaxe battle with the miner. Despite having years of more experience, the miner will be bested and beheaded by HML. Climactic scene will also include dynamite and a harrowing ride in a coal car with the miner in pursuit and the tracks damaged ahead.
As I said previously, no HML. There was neither a pickaxe battle nor a mine car, but there was dynamite, not to mention a hilarious scene in which the Miner gets his axe stuck in a barrel, and the intrepid heroes, having established that only fire will kill him, take turns whacking him in the back with a wooden plank while he groans and growls theatrically. Yeah, we're dealing with Mensas.
It was awful, but hilariously so, and I'm glad I caught it.
My
lyric_ficathon fic Part II stands at, 2,489 words.Tags:
