The 35th Precinct

Happy Thanksgiving, and woe unto the turkeys.

My own turkey breast is roasting in the oven, and when it's done, Roomie's going to make potatoes and stuffing, so we'll have most of the trimmings. No cranberry sauce, though, which pains me deeply. Cranberry sauce is so tart and tangy and soft on the tongue, and it reminds me of my grandfather's table because every year, at Thanksgiving and Christmas, there would be a tureen of cranberry sauce, and it was always wonderful.

My monthly Red Badge of Boobage has arrived just in time for my mother's visit. Isn't that grand? Ten to one we'll be re-enacting WWE Raw at the Barnhill's, swinging chairs and throwing plates like Chinese stars while screaming insults through snot-clogged noses. If my grandma comes, she can look on in mortified horror and mutter that we're being "unseemly".

My mother will no doubt want to go out on the biggest shopping day of the year, and despite my protests, I'll be herded through the mall in search of bargains, while irritable, stressed, and pitiless professional shoppers shoot me dirty looks for impeding their progress to the latest treasured gift that will go from store to tree to closet in record time.

She'll insist on a movie, too, and I don't know which one to see. She likes Walk the Line and Goblet of Fire, but I've already seen both, and it wouldn't feel right to perv on Viktor Krum next to my mother. Or Joaquin Phoenix, for that matter, and my brain was in my underpants for the entirety of that film, let me tell you. He could be my Man in Black anytime if Snape didn't already hold the title.

ETA: Attention, gamers: The Xbox 360, while certainly a nifty item, indeed, is only a game console. As such, it will not give you fabulous wealth, enlarge your penis size, regrow hair, restore eyesight, or transform your Amorous Amy Lovin' Time doll into Salma Hayek or Jessica Simpson. Therefore, there is no need to trample one another in your quest for the Ultimate Gaming Pleasure. At least, not until Microsoft perfects the blowjob and cunnilingus port, in which case, I'll be right behind you.