The 35th Precinct

The daily rains are massing outside the window as usual. Oh, joy. I've already cowered through one thunderstorm today, and although I love my bed and its warm comforters and soft pillows, I don't want to lay down roots in the box spring. At least I had enough time for a bowl of soup, a soda, and some chips. I'm hoping that the storms end by nine o'clock or so, so that I can lay down my ficcing groove. I've still got hexennacht's George Weasley/Draco Malfoy/Sorting Hat/Room of Requirement "drabble to finish, as well as SLS 53, House of Bad Faith, and Scotch and Gin, And How They Mingle on the Tongue.

I was rooting through my hard drive last night out of boredom and found several fic snippets I'd written when I first discovered fanfiction in 2001. Back then, my fandoms were LOTR and The Mummy, but there was HPfic, too. The LOTR fic was a dreadful, hideous, unabashed Mary Sue, and the canon mangling I perpetrated upon Tolkien's masterwork was an egregious breach of decency, but at the time, I was having fun. It never occurred to me that what I was doing was "bad" or "wrong". I was just a child with a bucket full of Play-Doh, having the time of my life. I was so oblivious that when people rolled their eyes and pointed out the Suedom of my character, I thought it was oblique praise. Ah, the innocence of babes.

So, in honor of my ficcing roots, I thought I'd post snippets from the fics in which I was just beginning to find my voice. I warn you now that they are atrocious Sues. Keep a tissue handy, lest the pathos melt your eyeballs.

This first offering comes from an unpublished chapter of my epic LOTR Suefic, Fate of Empires. The remainder of it is on view at Fanfiction.net. Not the OOC Boromir and the angsty melodrama:

( Wangst on Aisle Five )

Try not to succumb to the stultifying reek of hormonal overkill and movie-of-the-week histrionics.

And watch as Saryn lays the smack down on Gimli:

( Oh, No, She Didn't )

I know. It sounded great at the time.

The Mummy and Ardeth Bey were not spared my Sueing ways. This excerpt of fiery passion and deft prose was culled from a fic entitled, Eye of Osiris. The fic is long gone, deleted in a moment of lucidity, but the evidence remains:

( Foreplay, Medjai Style )

Oh, the wit! The riposte. The eros. Smooth, Ardeth. ~insert "Smooth Operator" here~

This last comes from a Snape one-shot I never finished. I don't think it's bad per se, but I'm not sure if it's worth finishing, either. It was tentatively called, "The Forever Second". Lame, but it was all I could think at the time:

( A Slip of the Tongue )