The 35th Precinct

Yesterday was just a crap day. My mother and stepbrother came over to clean and spruce up the yard before they left for Florida. While here, my mother noticed the laptop niamh_sage gifted me a year ago. The thing balked at the Internet and so wasn't very useful, but I kept it on hand in case of emergency, and because my friend cared enough to give it to me.

So, as she was cleaning, she said, "Are you using that laptop?"

Right away, I knew where she was going, but I didn't want to fight, so I said, "Not really." You know, because I was an idiot, and because I was hoping my mother wasn't going to be an exploitative shit.

"Well, can N have it? Because he doesn't have one, and he's going to be starting his National Guard training soon."

And? Why is that my responsibility? If I give him my laptop, I won't have one, either.

Now, it should be noted that I have nothing against N; he's a nice guy, and it's hard to be resentful when he's out in the heat, pruning your shrubs and pressure-washing the legions of spiders off your house. If N had asked, I would have given it to him happily.

Here's where the problem arose: N didn't ask; my mother did, and she did it in a manner designed to make me feel like a snotty, privileged asshole if I declined. When she asked, she was already picking it up, and it was very clear what she thought the answer should be. Of course I was going to surrender it because N needed it and I didn't, never mind if I had a reason for wanting it. If I didn't give it to her, then I was just being a whiny, entitled, selfish brat who takes but never gives, think of all we've done for you.

Oh, you mean like refusing to build a shower to suit my needs because you don't want to take the extra effort to build a roll-in shower? Or like refusing to order the armrest pads for my dilapidated wheelchair despite repeated requests and offers to pay you cash once the order arrives, or even as soon as you place the order? Or browbeating me and my doctor into getting an electric wheelchair I can't use because it doesn't fit in the car and the house isn't set up for it, and refusing to let me order a more practical, more comfortable manual chair? Yes, mother, you've done so much for the ruination of my self-image. Thank you ever so goddamn much for doing your part to make me feel worthless.

Anyway, the part that sent me over the edge was this. After she took the computer--because it was going with her no matter what I said--she leaned down and said, "I told you I'd help you go in on a computer if you got some money together."

So, I'm supposed to give away a laptop to a perfectly healthy young man who is self-admittedly too lazy to work because it's "too hard", but I, who physically cannot work, and whose disability turns off most employers faster than a faulty light switch, am supposed to "save my money and earn what you get instead of expecting folks to give it to you just because you want it."? Okay.

For what it's worth, I agree that luxuries like a laptop should be saved for and bought with one's own money. I just don't understand why her hard-nosed philosophy isn't unilaterally applied. Why am I held to a higher standard and expected to save and suffer for my few luxuries, while she hands my step-siblings everything? Why am I held to a higher standard because I am her child? Her broken, ugly, disappointing, burdensome child.

When I pointed out that she was giving him a free laptop while telling me I had to pay for my own, she rolled her eyes at me and told me to stop being a whiner. Then she left. I held it together until bedtime, and then I went to bed and had a round of sniveling, choking hysterics, because I'm tired of being told I don't deserve nice things, and that what I do have should be given to others who need it more. I'm tired of being told I'm greedy and selfish and hateful by a woman who lives in an opulent house and never misses an opportunity to remind me how difficult it is, coping with a burden like me. I'm tired of being told to struggle and grovel and beg while my step-siblings get a free pass because "life's hard when you make bad choices. They can't help it."

I try so damn hard not to drown in the bitterness, but it's so damn hard to swim when your legs are broken and there are people at the water's edge throwing rocks at your head.


I'm not going to rammstein_pimp today because there might be a minor wanklet about Olli's boat being hijacked by a drunken fan, and I know I'm too damn raw to behave rationally when confronted by the snotty, coolly-disenfranchised dilettante wannabes who exert a great deal of energy being above it all.