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Last night, I decided to check out Battles B.C. on the History Channel because I'm a sucker for battle reenactments. So, in I tuned and dutifully recorded my choice in my TV diary. It should be noted that I didn't watch this to attain enlightenment about ancient Rome and the Second Punic War. Frankly, the History Channel is for mentally flabby pseudointellectuals who want to feel smarter than the flatulent, desperately unengaged protozoan they married. If I want to know what happened between Hannibal and Rome, I'll read a book. I watched because the actor playing the mighty Hannibal was smoking hot, a finely sculpted hunk of Iron Age studliness that made my mouth go dry. Those of you who watch the History Channel regularly know how rare this is. With the exception of their endless Jesus histories, which routinely manage to boast a hippie who isn't afraid of bar soap, the actors in their historical reemactments are a motley crew of dirty-toothed, matted-haired, tapeworm-infested scurvy victims the producers hired from infectious disease clinics.
So, I tuned in for the mancandy. I was happily watching the computer-generated carnage wrought by Hannibal of the Flapping and Disturbingly Clean Loincloth when I noticed the nameless soldiers in the background. I know they were ostensibly hacking and slashing and clubbing their foes, but so help me, it looked like they were dancing, Spartacus meets the Boot Scoot Boogie.
Hannibal: RARRRRR!~kill kill kill~
Background Soldiers: Night fever, night fever!
Hannibal: RARRRR!~kill kill kill~
Background Soldiers: Stayin' Alive! Stayin' alive! Ah ha ha ha! Stayin' aliiiiiiiii-grrrrk!
It was surreal, like watching television on a shroom trip. It was dance as performed by the Iron Age Dancers. It was, quite simply, one of the most entertaining hours of television that I've logged since keeping the Nielsen diary, though not for the reasons the channel intended. Thank you for being such cheap bastards. Just for that, I'll be tuning in next week, too.
So, I tuned in for the mancandy. I was happily watching the computer-generated carnage wrought by Hannibal of the Flapping and Disturbingly Clean Loincloth when I noticed the nameless soldiers in the background. I know they were ostensibly hacking and slashing and clubbing their foes, but so help me, it looked like they were dancing, Spartacus meets the Boot Scoot Boogie.
Hannibal: RARRRRR!~kill kill kill~
Background Soldiers: Night fever, night fever!
Hannibal: RARRRR!~kill kill kill~
Background Soldiers: Stayin' Alive! Stayin' alive! Ah ha ha ha! Stayin' aliiiiiiiii-grrrrk!
It was surreal, like watching television on a shroom trip. It was dance as performed by the Iron Age Dancers. It was, quite simply, one of the most entertaining hours of television that I've logged since keeping the Nielsen diary, though not for the reasons the channel intended. Thank you for being such cheap bastards. Just for that, I'll be tuning in next week, too.
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