Last night, as the roomie was trawling ESPN.com for his sports fix, he came across a headline that said, "Councilman Lobbies to Rename Devils." Apparently, said councilman, who is also a Baptist deacon, might I add, feels that a hockey team named the New Jersey Devils sends the unChristian heathen wrong message to people in these godless, Black Kiss-loving, Satanic, baby-eating troubled days. He thinks a change of name is in order. Why? "Personally, it offends me."
Did I miss a memo while I slumbered in a porno-dream haze? Since when has offense to one been grounds for deprivation to all? Can you really get the world made to your order just by whining? If so, hot damn. Grab a pen, lawmakers, because I've got a few requests:
-A ban on farting in enclosed spaces and on public transportation. Yes, this includes SBDs. It's not the decibel level that offends, it's the noxious fumes. I have no desire to be the first cripple to die from excessive inhalation of second-hand taco fart. Therefore, I demand that, along with the bus transfers they dispense when a passenger boards, bus drivers also hand out doses of Beano. I would also like a police officer to be stationed on all buses so that breakers of wind-and the law-can be dealt with immediately. In the case of elevator defilement, I ask that an elevator attendant be armed with a tazer, and all offenders shall be tazered until the assault on other people's nasal passages has been avenged.
-a ban on President Bush's useless, meandering speeches. His oratory is offensive to my intelligence, and he is spreading his stupidity like a virus. For the good of the nation, make it stop. Besides, I'd rather watch CSI.
-Eric Szmanda should come to my house, clad only in a loincloth and a smile, and feed me grapes and perform sexual feats that would paralyze an acrobat. He should be plied with enough Viagra to give an elephant a stone boner, because nothing is worse than deflation in the middle of a ballgame. He should also not marry, date, or have sexual thoughts of any kind that don't involve me, because the idea of my sex toy thinking about other women, boys, or animals scars my soul. In the event that Eric Szmanda is no longer able to perform his duties, the following gentlemen will be acceptable replacements:
If the houses of the aforementioned gentlemen are inaccessible to wheelchairs, I expect this to be remedied at once, billable to the homeowners or the state, whichever is more convenient. How am I supposed to get off if I can't get in?
You have heard my wishes, lawmakers. Now get moving, or I might cry, and God knows we can't have that.

Did I miss a memo while I slumbered in a porno-dream haze? Since when has offense to one been grounds for deprivation to all? Can you really get the world made to your order just by whining? If so, hot damn. Grab a pen, lawmakers, because I've got a few requests:
-A ban on farting in enclosed spaces and on public transportation. Yes, this includes SBDs. It's not the decibel level that offends, it's the noxious fumes. I have no desire to be the first cripple to die from excessive inhalation of second-hand taco fart. Therefore, I demand that, along with the bus transfers they dispense when a passenger boards, bus drivers also hand out doses of Beano. I would also like a police officer to be stationed on all buses so that breakers of wind-and the law-can be dealt with immediately. In the case of elevator defilement, I ask that an elevator attendant be armed with a tazer, and all offenders shall be tazered until the assault on other people's nasal passages has been avenged.
-a ban on President Bush's useless, meandering speeches. His oratory is offensive to my intelligence, and he is spreading his stupidity like a virus. For the good of the nation, make it stop. Besides, I'd rather watch CSI.
-Eric Szmanda should come to my house, clad only in a loincloth and a smile, and feed me grapes and perform sexual feats that would paralyze an acrobat. He should be plied with enough Viagra to give an elephant a stone boner, because nothing is worse than deflation in the middle of a ballgame. He should also not marry, date, or have sexual thoughts of any kind that don't involve me, because the idea of my sex toy thinking about other women, boys, or animals scars my soul. In the event that Eric Szmanda is no longer able to perform his duties, the following gentlemen will be acceptable replacements:
- Alan Rickman
- Jason Isaacs
- Gary Dourdan
- George Eads
- William Petersen
- Johnny Depp
- Orlando Bloom
- Craig Parker
- Christian Bale
- Dave Batista
- Kane
- Psicosis
- Juventud Guerrera
- Gary Sinise
If the houses of the aforementioned gentlemen are inaccessible to wheelchairs, I expect this to be remedied at once, billable to the homeowners or the state, whichever is more convenient. How am I supposed to get off if I can't get in?
You have heard my wishes, lawmakers. Now get moving, or I might cry, and God knows we can't have that.