Giving Windows an Enema Is a Tricky Process

Roomie disinfected his computer this morning and found TEN trojans and more adware than you can imagine. In all, eleven hundred threats were detected, quarantined, and removed. Not surprisingly, his computer is running much faster and more efficiently after its delousing. I know we should run scans more often, but to be honest, it seldom crosses our minds, and when it does, Windows' ridiculous procedure for starting in Safe Mode is an exercise in teeth-gnashing aggravation.

Dear Bill Gates,

You need better consumer testing procedures. Contrary to the intelligence gathered by your stealthy R&D ninjas, your customers aren't Marine Snipers who can pick a gnat off a terrorist's testicles at a thousand yards, nor do they possess the reflexes of a judo master. Most of them are your typical American schlubs, and some of them have difficulty with fine motor functions like hitting keys or pressing buttons at a specific moment. If I told you how many Xbox controllers I have nearly hurled through the TV screen because of the timed button-mashing required to trigger an action in the simplest video game, you would either weep in sympathy or cackle gleefully while caressing your naughty bits and the crack of your ass with the dismayed visage of Benjamin Franklin. Point two nanoseconds is not enough time to tap F8 and restart in Safe Mode. My Roomie, who has decent reflexes, needed three tries before he hit his system's G-spot and opened it to the sinewy, penetrative manliness of the spyware removal program. Three. If it were me, I'd still be fumbling ineffectually at it, a blind hand amputee trying to unzip his fly with his teeth.

In short, the Safeboot process, please to be rethinking it.