Public Transport at Its Finest

Today was an adventure in adversity. The first clue that today was going to go down in the hallowed annals of What The Fuck came when I boarded the bus. The driver was young and tiny, but very sweet, and so, when she strapped me in, I had no qualms. I sat in my seat, took my customary bus-riding position, and waited to be driven to school.

O, silly Guera! Did you think the caprice of the gods would leave you unmolested? No sooner had we started rolling than I realized she hadn't tightened the straps. Hence, I slalomed back and forth with every stop and turn of the bus as she jounced obliviously along her route. My roomie clung to the push handles to give me some stability, but even with his weight, I wobbled precariously.

But the best was yet to come.

My stop came into view. I pushed the tape. She stopped, and I thought this meant she was going to let me off. Nay, this meant everybody else got off. She looked at me and said, "I'm going to pull to a flatter surface." I'm not sure why, as I've gotten of at that stop for more than a year with no problem, but hey, it's her bus, and I had class to attend.

Around the corner she went. She opened the rear doors and did a dry run of the lift to be sure it would reach. "It'll reach," she informed me, though I, with my myopia and astigmatism, could see that it was going to miss by scant milimeters.

She unhooked me and rolled me onto the lift, which, upon unfolding, made ominous grinding, popping, sproinging sounds. I seized the handrails and began to pray. Lo, the lift touched down without crumbling beneath me and making it a Blue Cross and Blue Shield day, but as I suspected, the lift sensor missed the curb and the front flap refused to deploy.

Pop quiz time:

When the ramp flap fails to deploy because the lift sensor says there is no solid ground beneath it, do you:

a) raise the lift, roll the passenger inside, and move the bus closer to the curb

b) tell the passenger's companion to "step on the flap so it will come down

c) continue to lower the lift until it snaps and the flap closes on the passenger's feet?

If you answered C, Taltran wants you! Not only did she break the lift, but in so doing, she wedged it between the curb and the bus, thereby ensuring she couldn't move and stranding the remaining passengers on her route. Huzzah!

When the lift snapped, so did I, and I began to whimper and demand that my roomie get me off the lift NOW. I had always hoped that I would be more composed in situations like these, but the inescapable knowledge that your life and well-being is in the hands of an utter moron has a way of unmanning you. The hapless bus driver took my whimpers as a sign of impending litigation and feverishly asked if I was all right.

No, no, I'm not, you slack-jawed, addle-brained, lackwit boob! I'm trapped on a lift with you at the controls and my feet in danger of amputation. Further, I am horrified by the creeping realization that you, o, paragon of mechanical prowess, were driving me in a six-ton rattletrap of diesel and destruction. I think I've soiled myself. Now shut up and get me off this lift.

My roomie lifted me out of the chair and deposited me on a nearby wall top. I would have toppled backwards had I not accosted a passing student to hold me still while roomie went for the chair. Thank you, o, passing student, for your gentle help.

When I left her, the bus driver was pushing the lift even further into the gap with resultant popping sounds, and I'd wager my fees that she broke the struts. If she did, the lift will have to be replaced entirely. That ought to make Taltran happy. They're already running in the grey-going-on-red.

I need a massage, some cunnilingus from Sean Bean, Jason Isaacs, or Alan Rickman, and hope for the human race.

Super Secret Project Word Count: 4,268