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I hate my bank. Not because they charge outrageous fees for shoddy service and take sadistic glee in mailing out overdraft notices right after the government stipend check has cleared, or because they look down their noses at you when you tell them you keep track of expenditures by receipts and ATM slips. Nay, friends, I despise them because their online banking service is a laughingstock among websites and their purported customer service is clearly based on the Wagon Train Model of Expediency of 1834.
My ISP takes its fees on the 27th of each month. It has done so every month for twelve years. At the time of the 27th, my account contained the mind-boggling sum of $12.42. Therefore, I should be seventeen dollars in arrears. However, online banking still claims I have $12.42. What is more, my SSI check and the stipend from my inheritance have not yet cleared. In fact, the account shows no activity since the 26th.
The SSI is understandable, as the first of the month fell on a Sunday this year, but AOL, greedy corporate conglomerate that it is, should have staked its monthly claim with the lascivious fervor of a rutting jackyl. Yet there my $12.42 sits, pristine and unmolested. What gives? I suppose that if the e-check takes four business days, it wouldn't have cleared until today, but still...
And lest you think e-mailing customer service should avail me, let me disabuse you. I e-mailed my query at 11 o'clock this morning and have yet to receive a response to my plaintive cry. I bet a response arrives two days after it is no longer relevant.
So, here I sit, filled with worry about my empty bank account, my emptier larder, and the looming specter of bills. In all likelihood, everything is fine and the money will appear in the morning, but for now, I fret. I can do without TV and the Net if push comes to shove, but food is another matter altogether, and $12.42 won't go far, especially since the slavering AOL jackyl has already scent-marked it.
I'll tell you one thing, though. If the customer service representative treats me like excrement on her shoes, I'm going to hop the bus, visit the nearest branch of my bank, and beat the condescending hosebeast about the head and shoulders with one of those heavy wooden chairs they make you sit in while they play Minesweeper, download porn, and titter about the woeful state of your finances behind cupped hands. Then, when the chair has been reduced to bloody kindling and blood and brains have festooned the staid walls like art deco gone amok, I will caper around the quivering remains of my "pleasant banking experience" and unleash ululating howls of primal triumph. If I am not subdued by tazer-wielding security guards or frightened customers, I will roll from the bank, tracking congealing blood as I go, and seek sustenance whithersoever I can find it, because, dammit, it's about time a customer got some satisfaction.
My ISP takes its fees on the 27th of each month. It has done so every month for twelve years. At the time of the 27th, my account contained the mind-boggling sum of $12.42. Therefore, I should be seventeen dollars in arrears. However, online banking still claims I have $12.42. What is more, my SSI check and the stipend from my inheritance have not yet cleared. In fact, the account shows no activity since the 26th.
The SSI is understandable, as the first of the month fell on a Sunday this year, but AOL, greedy corporate conglomerate that it is, should have staked its monthly claim with the lascivious fervor of a rutting jackyl. Yet there my $12.42 sits, pristine and unmolested. What gives? I suppose that if the e-check takes four business days, it wouldn't have cleared until today, but still...
And lest you think e-mailing customer service should avail me, let me disabuse you. I e-mailed my query at 11 o'clock this morning and have yet to receive a response to my plaintive cry. I bet a response arrives two days after it is no longer relevant.
So, here I sit, filled with worry about my empty bank account, my emptier larder, and the looming specter of bills. In all likelihood, everything is fine and the money will appear in the morning, but for now, I fret. I can do without TV and the Net if push comes to shove, but food is another matter altogether, and $12.42 won't go far, especially since the slavering AOL jackyl has already scent-marked it.
I'll tell you one thing, though. If the customer service representative treats me like excrement on her shoes, I'm going to hop the bus, visit the nearest branch of my bank, and beat the condescending hosebeast about the head and shoulders with one of those heavy wooden chairs they make you sit in while they play Minesweeper, download porn, and titter about the woeful state of your finances behind cupped hands. Then, when the chair has been reduced to bloody kindling and blood and brains have festooned the staid walls like art deco gone amok, I will caper around the quivering remains of my "pleasant banking experience" and unleash ululating howls of primal triumph. If I am not subdued by tazer-wielding security guards or frightened customers, I will roll from the bank, tracking congealing blood as I go, and seek sustenance whithersoever I can find it, because, dammit, it's about time a customer got some satisfaction.